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Only because I’m writing a 20 page paper on him

March 16, 2007
John Locke
1632-1704
Nationality: English

Group Alliances:
“Brutal” British Empiricists
“Sorrow-causin'” Social Contract Theorists

AKA: Locke-down
Locke-jaw
Shock-em Locke
Rock-em Locke
Clock-em Locke
Sock-em Jock-em Locke
Locke-up

Primary qualities: invulnerability, super strength

Secondary qualities: smells great, facility with prose

Notes: The face in Locke’s nineteenth-century schoolboy slate is Leibniz. Children can allegorically act out the innateness debate which was so thrillingly portrayed in Leibniz’ New Essay Concerning Human Understanding by having two dolls fight. Leibniz’ contribution to the debate is, of course, all very posthumous as far as Locke is concerned, but that doesn’t stop one from pretending the dolls are fighting. And a barrel-chested action figure with an enormous wig is objectively funny.

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